It's been years since I've touched this blog. I have recently been toying with the idea of starting a new blog that touches on issues of body weight and society. In the mean time, here is a letter I wrote to a gastroenterologist who I saw last December. The term "fat-shaming" is new to me, but has been on my mind a lot lately. I have been feeling a strong urge to fight out against the stigma of having body fat, largely (ha!) inspired by this particular doctor.
Dear Dr. ____,
I saw you as a patient on December 11, 2012, because of stomach pains and tests showing that I had a slightly enlarged liver. While discussing causes with you, I mentioned that I had been taking (prescribed medication)since 2007. We discussed my medical history (recent bilateral pneumonia and two surgeries in the last few years).
I also shared with you I had been struggling with my weight. You strongly urged me to lose weight, which I took to heart. You even told me to “keep your mouth shut,” half-jokingly, I am sure. You sent me off for another blood panel and told me to have another in a month or so after I was to lose 20 lbs. Although I felt stung with shame, I tried to take your words as inspiration. But despite my efforts, I haven’t lost weight, and in fact have gained a few more pounds. So I haven’t returned for the comparative blood test.
Recently, I have been coming to understand some things about weight. Mainly, that as much as I wish it weren’t so, I seem to be genetically predisposed to being heavy. You would recognize this immediately if you saw my family. Although the females in my family have a variety of eating habits, we are all quite short and round. Until recently, I held on to the hope that this fact was an obstacle that I could overcome. I’ve lost 30-40 on Weight Watchers several times, even reaching “Lifetime Member” status at one point. But the thing is, I’ve never been able to maintain the loss. This is in spite of my very healthy eating habits, my love of walking, hiking, and my regular yoga practice.
More recently, I have lost 30 lbs. on (meal replacement program), what I now believe was a crash diet that I went on out of desperation. I’m not sure if there is a connection, but I contracted pneumonia at my thinnest. That weight did not stay off either. Last fall, I tried the very restrictive (30 day paleo-inspired) diet, which felt an awful lot like an eating disorder. I did lose 6 lbs. but put those back on as soon as I completed the 30 days. On a normal day, I eat healthy non-processed whole foods, mindfully, on smaller plates. Yet my body is holding on to the weight. I am coming to understand that for my own sanity, I may need to move on from my lifelong dream of being thin. Make no mistake; it’s not for a lack of resolve. Worse yet, my repeated attempts at losing weight may even be the culprit, I’m learning. I’m now trying to accept my body in a society which stigmatizes my size.
Lately I’ve been reading reports stating the BMI is perhaps a poor indicator of health. Studies seem to be pointing to the fact that those in “normal” range may have a higher death rate than those in the “overweight” category. Only those who are morbidly obese or extremely underweight are truly in danger.
Looking back on our meeting, I’m wondering if your comments, while well-intentioned, did more harm than good. In regards to my liver, I’m wondering what advice you would have given me if my weight was not the issue. What would you have told a thin person who came to you with my same symptoms? Perhaps it may be (prescribed medication)related? I’m not convinced that my weight is necessarily the cause.
Also, is it possible that my enlarged liver may be contributing to my difficulty losing weight, rather than the other way around?
I look forward to your response.
Sincerely,
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